‘Don’t Say I Didn’t Say I Didn’t Warn Ya About My Blank Space, Baby’

So while driving my daughter to school recently, I received an imaginary FaceTime call. We didn’t recognize the number, but I had my daughter answer it anyway. I couldn’t really see the face while driving, but the voice sounded familiar.

“Nice to meet you. Where you been?” the voice asked.

Again, I know that voice … but I just can’t place it yet, and I can’t see the face while driving. “Well, just driving my daughter to school,” I say.  “Who is this, and how did you get my number?”

“I could show you incredible things,” she said in a sing-songy voice. “Magic, madness, heaven, sin.”

“Umm, are you sure you meant to call me? I’m happily married, you know? Who is this?” (At this point, my daughter is freaking out, and telling me that I am embarrassing her because I didn’t recognize the famous singer on the line. Both of my daughters are always telling me how embarrassing I am, though, so I still didn’t believe it was someone famous on the line.) Anyway, I assume it’s a setup or a prank, but I’ll play along. “What do you need, Miss Swift?”

“Saw you there and I thought, ‘oh my god, look at that face, you look like my next mistake!’”

“Well, that makes two of you, then, because “a mistake” is certainly what my wife thinks about marrying me.”

“Love’s a game, wanna play?”

“Like I said, I’m already playing. Have been for 25ish years (I’ll get back to you on the exact number).”

“New money, suit and tie. I can read you like a magazine.”

“Well, this dog-eared magazine probably should be easy to read. This suit, however, is actually kind of old. I don’t really wear suits much, and only buy new ones when I outgrow the others, so you’re wrong on that one.”

“Ain’t it funny — rumors fly. And I know you heard about me. So hey, let’s be friends. I’m dying to see how this one ends.”

“Yes, I’ve heard about you. You seem to be a little young to have had all these experiences with love and everything, but I guess you do live in a world I know nothing about. Anyway, does ‘let’s be friends’ happen first or does ‘we’re talking’ happen first? I don’t know the order of things.”

“Grab your passport and my hand. I could make the bad guys good for a weekend.”

“I do have a passport, but something tells me if I grab your hand, and my wife finds out, that may be the last thing I ever touch with that hand. Not worth it for a weekend, even if you think I’m a bad guy.”

“So it’s gonna be forever, or it’s gonna go down in flames.”

“Not exactly a ringing endorsement on us being friends, huh? Forever … or down in flames. No middle ground?”

“You can tell me when it’s over if the high was worth the pain.”

“I can tell you right now … down in flames ain’t worth the pain.”

“Got a long list of ex-lovers … they’ll tell you I’m insane. Cause you know I love the players, and you love the game.”

“I think you may be warning me about something ….”

“Cause we’re young and we’re reckless, we’ll take this way too far.”

“You’re young, and the fact that I have FaceTimed with you this long may be way too reckless and way too far for my well being.”

“It’ll leave you breathless, or with a nasty scar.”

“The scar you leave won’t be anything like the one my wife will give me (she’s a dentist, you know. With pliers and needles and sharp picks and all kinds of scar-inducing tools).”

“Got a long list of ex-lovers, they’ll tell you I’m insane. But I got a blank space baby, and I’ll write your name.”

“Remember when I said earlier that you might be warning me about something? I’m slow and all, but I’m hearing a refrain (no pun intended) here.”

“Cherry lips, crystal skies … I could show you incredible things. Stolen kisses, pretty lies … you’re the king baby I’m your queen.”

“Do you always talk in rhymes?”

“Find out what you want. Be that girl for a month. But the worst is yet to come. Oh no.”

“Oh no is right! There’s worse than this?”

“Screaming, crying, perfect storms. I could make all the tables turn. Rose garden filled with thorns, keep you second guessing …”

“Is this where I interrupt you to say, ‘Like oh my god, who is she?’”

“I get drunk on jealousy.”

“I get drunk on a couple beers.”

“You’ll come back each time you leave. Cause darling I’m a nightmare dressed like a daydream.”

“I’m dumb, but not stupid. If I ever were dumb enough to visit once, I’m sure I wouldn’t be stupid enough to come back to this nightmare.”

“So it’s gonna be forever. Or it’s gonna go down in flames. You can tell me when it’s over if the high was worth the pain. Got a long list of ex-lovers. They’ll tell you I’m insane. Cause you know I love the players. And you love the game.”

“Not sure, but I think you may be repeating yourself.”

“Cause we’re young and we’re reckless. We’ll take this way too far. And leave you breathless, or with a nasty scar. Got a long list of ex-lovers, they’ll tell you I’m insane. But I got a blank space baby, and I’ll write your name.”

“How sweet of you ….”

“Boys only want love if it’s torture.”

“Sadistic boys only want love if it’s torture.”

“Don’t say I didn’t say I didn’t warn you.”

“I think that is a double or triple negative or something.”

“Boys only want love if it’s torture. Don’t say I didn’t say I didn’t warn you.”

“Double negative or not, one thing nobody can say is that you aren’t straight forward, because you certainly did warn the players.”

“Cause we’re young and we’re reckless. We’ll take this way too far. And it’ll leave you breathless, or with a nasty scar. Got a long list of ex-lovers, they’ll tell you I’m insane. But I got a blank space baby, and I’ll write your name.”

“No, no you won’t. I’ve heard enough. I’m out.” And I ended the imaginary FaceTime chat. It seemed ok in the beginning, but the tables did indeed turn there.

What is strange is that it seems like this call comes back once every hour or so. Like it’s in heavy rotation or something.